We decided it was time to make our family of 3 a little bit bigger. Apparently, we are super fertile and I conceived within the month. We were surprised but so excited! I created a Shutterfly photo book and the last picture was a baby announcement photo. We surprised our immediate families by having them look through the book and figure it out themselves. After an ultrasound the due date was set to December 26th and everything looked great around 7 ½ weeks. We went in four weeks later for what should have been the 11 ½ week appointment but the Dr. couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat so we had an ultrasound done right away. The baby had died around 9 ½ weeks and my body just wasn’t reacting. We were heartbroken. I looked at the calendar and realize the baby died around the same day that my Beloved Grandmother also left this world. That made it harder but I also had the image of my Grandma loving on my unborn baby in Heaven with Jesus and teaching him or her some of her little sayings like, “I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.” That was comforting but made me miss my Grandma even more.
We knew of other close friends that had gone through miscarriages but just didn’t expect this happen to us. We were praying for this baby before he or she was even conceived. Everything seemed perfect. I had a D&C done the next day. Walking around with a dead baby inside of you is a very awful feeling. Walking around with an empty womb when there should be a baby growing inside of you can be even worse.
They say the instance of miscarriage is around 50% with many miscarriages happening so early the mother doesn’t even know she conceived. Some of my very best friends have experienced the heartbreak of miscarriage. Some friends have had “natural” miscarriages, some “missed” miscarriages like me in which a D&C was required, and some have even had ectopic pregnancies. I’ve seen their heartaches and walked through some of the grief with them. They did the same for me.
It’s hard to explain what I felt after this happened. I was shocked, dismayed, sad, angry, disillusioned, and at peace in a very short time frame. One minute I wanted to try to conceive again as soon as possible and after a few weeks I realized my body needed time to heal and so did my heart.
I talked to my friends that had gone through miscarriage a bit and that helped because they knew exactly what I was feeling. I leaned on my family. I cried with my Mom. I allowed myself to be sad but I didn’t stay there. I knew that God was in control and his plan was much better than mine. I trusted in Him even when I was hurting. “For I know the plans I have for you, “ declares the Lord, “ plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
I just rested in God’s love and peace. I placed my hope in Him, again. I’m still sad about my December baby but I’m not broken. God took care of me. I want to encourage others to reach out and find healing if they have experienced miscarriage and have a hard time dealing with the emotions that inevitably parade through our hearts. Sometimes it takes longer to heal and some of us need a little extra support. That’s ok. We’re all in this together. You don’t have to grieve alone.